In elementary school I didn't have many friends. I had one best friend who is still my best friend, but we didn't really play together much. We spent time at each others houses and went to camp together but we really didn't play to much together at recess. She ended up switching schools in third or fourth grade, and then there really was no one. I can remember going through spurts of playing with a friend for a period of time, but eventually I would go back to swinging. I loved swinging. In the winter I would push all the snow away so I wouldn't hit the ground. I had one swing that was my favorite and I would swing every recess. Looking back I think it was probably fulfilling my sensory needs from being over stimulated from my ADHD, but if you were to ask me then then I would have probably told you I just like to swing. When I would swing I would make up stories. I talked to myself when I made up stories so I probably talked to myself when I sang. I at least moved my lips. I still make up stories when I go on hikes and I have to remind myself to keep my mouth closed. Anyway my point with all that is I was strange.
In fifth grade I started wearing my brace. In sixth grade there were two big changes in my life. The first one was we moved to the junior high building, that had no playground and swings. The second was that my older sister who was my protector went to high school and rode a different bus. Sixth grade is also the year where the other girls in my class started to get interested in boys and makeup. I was immature for my age and still preferred to play with dolls and swing. In middle school for recess we had sports teams and would take turns playing the other teams. If your team wasn't playing you sat and watched the others. I was and still am horrible at sports and it wasn't fun to me at all. I honestly can't tell you how I acted, but I am a moody person, and if I don't get breaks from things I don't enjoy ....trainings at work, to many meetings....I turn into an angry bear. I am sure that I was moody most of the time. Another thing about me is I tend to over react. I am better at hiding it now, but sometimes at work my coworkers will start laughing at my hand motions and facial expressions when something bugs me. So here I was this over emotional hormonal teenager that needed sensory outlets an had none.
I am not sure when the bullying started but I do know it gradually got worse. I know I got picked on from time to time on the bus in elementary school but my sister would put a stop to it. As I went through junior high ( middle school) it slowly got worse. By the time eighth grade rolled around it was so bad that I walked home from a bus stop that wasn't mine ( about 3 miles) just so I wouldn't have to endure the hour long bus ride with the bullies. I can remember it was the worse on the bus, but then slowly it started to migrate to everywhere. The bullies were mostly boys and I think it just was fun for them to get a reaction out of me ( Like I said before I do overreact, and it can be funny.). Back then however, I was not at point that I could laugh at myself.
To say the whole class was involved would be an overstatement, but not one class mate stopped it, or helped me through it. I was alone. At least I felt alone. One teacher cared. Just one out of six. I am forever grateful for that one teacher, but it wasn't enough. Not then. I needed more. Eventually things got so bad that my parents pulled me out of my school halfway through second semester and put me in a new one. I got picked on there a little bit too, but the biggest difference was I had a small group of friends. I can still remember boys at the new school teasing me about the way I looked or walked or whatever. Then my new friends who had not known me for very long, just said " come on let's go away from them, those guys are jerks". That's it that's all. I no longer felt like a victim. I had friends. They didn't stand up for me, they just told me to ignore them. That's all I needed.
The summer between my eighth and ninth grade year I started doing a volunteer program at camp. It made me a different person. I was encouraged to be myself, and was loved for uniquely who I am.
At camp I learned how laugh at myself, how to trust in God, how to lead, how to be a cheerful servant. Most of all I was loved. I was loved for who I was. Camp was my happy place. Camp was my safe place. Every kid needs a place like that. It doesn't have to be camp. It can be youth group or
soccer or drama club or anything. Every kid needs a place where they can be free.
It was also that summer that I truly forgave those kids who bullied me, and started a long process of healing. Sometimes it still haunts me though. I still get overly anxious about starting new jobs. I worry if I will be liked by people. I am self conscious about the way certain clothes will look. I am writing this mostly for two reasons. The first is because it's part of helping me heal. The second is much more important. It's to encourage everyone to be that one teacher who was there, or the kid who told me to ignore the bullies, or be the camp counselor who praises the weird quirky outcasted broken kid to be just who they are. Be that someone who makes a difference.
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